Maybe I don't put myself out there. Maybe it's all my fault. Maybe I secretly unattract boys. Maybe I'm still in love with someone else.

Everyday just feels so monontonous. Like no one would miss me if I were gone. I read so many books on how to better myself and yet...

There are no boys that like me. Or at least, like me enough to do anything about it. Not many teachers remember my name. I get average grades...not perfect...but not bad. (except in algebra.)

Sometimes I just feel like...I'm going no where. I can't wait to get out of this small town...and yet I'm terrified to leave. Leaving would mean leaving my family, my dog, everything that is familiar to me. It's all so...scary. And what if I don't make it? What if things don't work out? I get fired? I have no money? I'm just not as good as I thought I would be?

It's just all such a risk...and I'm so scared.

I am so used to everything right now...pretty much literally doing the same thing every single day (so much so that even my dog is starting to get sick of me.) But when my dad doesn't come to Thanksgiving dinner at my grandmas house, and we have to figure out how to cut down a Christmas tree by ourselves...I am going to breakdown. And when I wake up Christmas morning to a tree with...nothing under the tree...I am going to breakdown. And when I get ready to go to college...will he even be there? When I leave, I'm leaving everything I know, and the people I love. I am going to break down. And I'm scared.

Just switching gears for a second...

I just want to say something to a friend, let's call him Ben.

I'm sorry that things turned out this way. I know you say you don't even notice the change...but there is a gap between us, that is growing every single day. Remember laughing every single day? Remember the cookies and random stories about your dog and laughing so hard we almost cried, and laughing so hard that we both spit snapple all over each other? Remember? How can you think this is normal? We pass each other in the hallway and look away. I am scared to text you because I'm worried you don't want to hear from me. I sit at lunch, looking over at where you sit, wondering what is so great over there that you would give up talking to me for. I loved you, Ben. I don't think it was any more than that, but I did love you. There is no question about that. I looked at you and saw everything. You were the greatest thing in my life. You shone the brighest than any other star. I trusted you with things I wouldn't trust anyone else with. I would have given anything to you-and you knew that. I don't know what happened...I don't know if you even care...

But I miss you, Ben. I still love you. I always will.

I'm going to be up front and honest...real this time. I have always gotten what I've wanted. I am extremely privledged. I live in a top rated town, my school is in the top 100 in the nation. I have a lot of great friends, who are always there for me. I have DVR to record South Park when I can't watch it. I have the most wonderful dog in the world. (Who is sitting on my chest right now.)

But now it's almost all gone. Our cable is being threatend to be turned off if we don't pay the bill. We don't have that money. I am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that no, I can't get new uggs. No, I can't get Russy a Halloween costume. No, I can't get a sweater. No, I can't get Glamour magazine when I go to the store with my mom. My dad is moving out. This is what I wanted right? Now I'm not so sure. Everything is in the midst of changing. And now I'm scared. I'm scared I won't be able to go to the university I want to. I am scared I won't be able to get a nice car next year. I'm scared I won't be able to compete with my friends-which probably sounds really shallow...but it's a fact of life. In high school, when you can't go out to lunch with your friends...that's not good.

I'm scared of everything that is going to be so different. New house, new room, new everything. No new clothes or car.

I'm so afraid.